Blending Families

As I portrayed in my last posting I am from a blended family through divorce. However that is not the only part of my blended family. I have a step dad who legally became my father, his parents are divorced and both re-married and had other children, the woman his father married had also been in a previous marriage and had children with him as well. My mothers parents are divorced but neither got re-married. My biological father got re-married and had two more children with my step-mother. His mother was married three times. I have a couple aunts and uncles who have gotten a divorce and are now re-married as well.

So as you can see I am no to blended families, my family is full of step and half members. To make discussing easier though I will shorten it down to my family, in my whole family I have a mother, a father, a biological father, a step-mother, a full blooded brother who I live with, a half brother I live with, 2 half sisters that I dont live with, and another half brother that I dont live with. With so many half's and steps it is hard to keep track of it all!

But that doesnt matter because the way I was raised and the way my family is run, we dont see it that way. My dads step mother doesnt see me and my brother as her "step grandchildren" nor does she even see my dad as a step child. We are all family. I dont look at my younger brothers and sisters and think of them as my "half siblings" we are all family.

I know that I am very fortunate because I know a lot of families dont see it this way, I know that a lot of them see a clear division between blood and not  blood. There are a lot of issues that spring up because of this. Many children feel that they are not totally apart of the family there are in because they arent fully or at all blood related to their siblings. This can lead to exiling or bullying, when really your family are supposed to be the ones who protect you from that. I have seen kids like this and have seen terrible things emotionally. Many may end up leaving the home or after adulthood not speaking to the family.

To me anyway I see it, it is whether you are used to having this mother, or sibling or father why make it harder than it has to be?! Learn to love your family because in the end they are all that you have. Let a sister be a sister and a son be a son and not stick labels on everyone to determine how much we should love them.

Fathers

Fathers are subject that are very important to me because I have grown up with father issues in my life. My mom and dad got divorced when I was very young but luckily my mom got re-married when I was only a year old. My biological father was not much of a father to my brother and I and it really effected me as a child and even now into adulthood. However my step father who later adopted my brother and I is the best father a person could ask for.

Being lucky enough to see both sides of the spectrum I believe I have a unique outlook on fathers. Speaking first of only my biological father when I was a child I believe he didnt love or care for me even though we (sometimes) saw him every other weekend. As a child your parents are like super hero's and you look up to them so much so seeing how he didn't spend a lot of time with us and how he never parented us I was crushed. This has lead me to many problems today such as trust issues with men still having the insecurities that my own father doesnt like me and others that have been explained by children in the same circumstances.

I just thank my Father in Heaven that I have my other dad, who I believe is my real own. He has supported me and nurtured me just like a father should, he is not without his own imperfections but I love him so much. I cant imagine what my families life would have been like without him, he treats meas his own and it has always been that way. And because of him I think that the effects my biological father has done to me was very much lessened.

A lot of the focus is often put on mothers and how they are so important for children and I feel that a lot of dads dont know how important they really are! Just because the wife is home with the children doesnt mean you arent a huge part of there everyday lives. You teach your sons how to be men and your daughters how to be treated. To quote John Meyer in his song daughters "Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do", you teach your children important lessons everyday.

So let us applause those father out there who truly love and cherish their children and know their own worth.
Thanks dad.

Family Under Stress

We have been talking about family stress in class and I didnt realize there was so much to having stress in the family! I hadn't thought that even if there isn't something that is directly by the family if someone even in the house has stress it put pressure on the whole family! When a person is under a lot of stress or the family is under a lot of stress it demands that some sort of temporary adjustment be made to fix it, sometimes it is a permanent change. We have to be open to change as a family even if it is harder for the rest of to make someone elses burdens light!

Compassion and positivity are the best way to cope, if we do that we are turning towards each other rather than away from each other. Stress with either make you "Bitter or Better"  its all about where you put the "I". Be the difference in your family to help everyone cope better. You are not a victim be pro-active!

Lesson 07 Touchy Subject

This week in class we were talking about sexual intimacy inside of marriage. Now having not been married myself I don't have a lot of experience in this field however I do feel that it is very important to discuss in a frank manor. Something that I have a very strong opinion on is the stance that although intimacy is sanctioned for marriage and is something that is so powerful and is for the creation of life I feel it is so much more than that.
I have a very I respect for sexual relations because it is so important and vital for our species to survive, because obviously it allows us to procreate. This is something so sacred and so many people use as a mood of lust the reason God made is was so that we were allowed to bring other spirits into this world and I believe that most of the time (mostly outside the church) it is wildly misused. Going back to my previous statement however I don't just believe it is used only for procreation. Don't get me wrong I'm not contradicting myself saying that and then saying before that people misuse it with lust, let me explain.

Sex biologically is used for procreation, so that we can bring spirits into this world but it has another purpose, there is a reason sex feels good an allows us to feel closer to the people that we have it with. While used inside of marriage I wholeheartedly believe that it brings us so much closer to our spouse. That is as vulnerable as you can get as a human being, completely exposing yourself to another person is beyond intimate. When you do that you give that person the ultimate power to mock, provoke, and utterly crush your spirit. So not only is it intimate because you are both giving each other power but that is as close as you can be to another person. Physically you can not be any closer than you are when you are having intercourse with another person. Not only that but emotionally and spiritually your spirits completely connect when you are doing that, because it is a sacred things. Our spirits flourish in the light and shrink in the dark, sex is not dirty or nasty it is light giving when used in the right way.

I took a class last semester and the teacher gave us some advice he said and I'll paraphrase he said that when we need to have a frank discussion or are stressed about something that we should have sex with our spouse. He said that it reunites you and reminds you that you love this person and that nothing is more important than them and everything seems so much easier to talk about because of it. I agree and feel that it stands for my point that sex is more that lust and although it is sanctified it is more that just procreation it is a means to where we can return to a state of love and life with our spouse and gives us a more positive look in life.

Some may say that they agree and that sex does bring them closer together and why should they wait till marriage if they love that person? Not only does my religion say to wait until marriage but I personally believe so. The reason we instinctually  have sex is to have children, and children according the "Proclamation that the Family" and personal beliefs children have the right to be born inside the bonds of marriage. Children deserve to be able to be born under people who are legally committed to each other. I dont care how long people have been dating or how committed they think they are you can easily break up with someone. And you could argue that people get divorced all the time, and they do but children deserve to give that fitting chance. Also your spirit deserves to have that close connection with someone who will be around in 15 years. That act connects you so deeply to a person your very souls connect and then ripping that away to try and have that with someone else and then another person and another it terrible to think about.

So keep sexual intimacy in the bonds of marriage because you deserve to feel that love with one person, to feel that intimacy and closeness with them, not only to have children but to respect Gods plan.

This past week has been all about preparation for marriage, which is a great topic and I love talking about it because it SURPRISE  I'm not married so I love talking about it. One of my roommates is engaged and the other is planning on getting engaged very soon so marriage is a very hot topic in my apartment! It was very interesting especially today when we were talking about the steps to marriage and time and talking and such because being not married or in a relationship my self I like to learn all of these things before I make the mistake of not following these guidelines.

Something that was brought up was time, how long to date someone and the research on this. Now just looking at it from the worlds standards research has shown that couples who are dating for at least a year have the best chance of staying married. Which is a very reasonable time even looking at it from a religious stand point. However this opinion was brought up and it happens to be mine as well. That the Lord puts people in our path for a reason and sometimes when you know, you know. Now I am not saying that you should PLAN on meeting someone date for a month get engaged and then be married 2 months later, and I'm also not saying that, that wont happen. I believe that when you are with someone and things are going well and you pray about it and receive and answer from God then why not? But in my personal opinion that probably wont happen and you should plan on dating someone longer, dont expect to want and have it work out to get married after a month.

That is just from my religious stand point but I heard a quote one time and I dont remember who it was by or were it was from but it said

"When you know what the rest of your life is going to be, you want to start it as soon as possible"

I think that is so true, dont be afraid to get married soon because you think people will think its too soon. But also dont be afraid to date someone longer because you dont feel like you are ready. Do the best thing for you but keep in mind to not rush things you want to be as sure as you can because you will be with this person for eternity.

Having an opinion

I completely forgot to make my post last Thursday! So Sorry you get it today and another Thursday yeah! I learned something I will never forget last week. We were talking about if cultures are more valid that others. So of course my automatic response was "of course not every culture is equal!" being not only American but also being LDS I have been taught my whole life not to judge and in this country we are a giant melting pot anyway!

However a point was brought up that I had never thought about before. What does the word validation really mean? One definition from the dictionary is "producing desired results". From an Lds cultural stand point our culture is families, getting married and having a loving marriage and birthing and rearing children in the gospel to become sound adults who make an impact on society, and try to do our best to become like that Savior. But of course we are all human and make mistakes so it doesnt always turn out that way. So if I use that mark as "the desired mark" for society are there cultures that more succeed at reaching this mark? ABSOLUTLEY!

Now the LDS culture isn't the only one that tries to meet this mark of a good society others do as well. But it got me thinking that it is all in the eye of the beholder on which culture is more valid than others. Someone else might look at a culture and think it is more valid because it reaches more of there expectation of what a culture should be. And it takes a whole new spin on things that I actually felt that I COULD have an opinion on this subject.

I feel that in this day and age when tolerance for everything is so high its hard to have an opinion on anything! Not a supporter of gay marriage? Your homophobic. Against abortion? You're infringing on peoples rights to choose. I mean it seems like the tables have turned when it comes to a lot of things. That if you are against something that you are a bad person. I know I'm not a bad person and I don't hate the people that support these things I just dont agree with their opinion and thats okay. I dont criticize you for what you believe so show me the same respect. It was just refreshing to pull back and say "yeah you know what in my opinion my culture is more valid that other cultures and heres why and these are the facts".

Family Boundries and Relationships

Now when I say "boundaries" I don't mean how much your mother-in-law or sibling should be snooping in your business. I mean the boundaries in our subsystems within our own families. In each family there is a subsystem (husband and wife, brother sister ect) and with that relationship there are open boundaries, closed boundaries, and the kind of boundary where you don't know where the boundary is haha. Its just like when a husband and wife pull away from each other there is a rigid boundary, there isn't much communication. The one that we all strive for is an open boundary, people know where the line is but there is still nice information flowing between you. This got me thinking about my own family and our relationships with each other. Fore the most part I think my family is pretty healthy. My older brother just left on a mission yesterday, and I can already tell that it is having a big impact on my mom, she is much more sweet talking and involved with what I say. I dont know if it just because its so soon but I know she is going to have a tough time with him gone. I hope however that she clings to my father and not her children because that might it turn drive him away.

It was extremely interesting learn about the "triangle" that when two people move closer together the third person pulls away or opposite to that one person may pull away bringing the two other people close together. The trick is, is to keep an open relationship by communication and keeping everyone close. There was a quote from class today that I loved...


"Having a man and woman in an equal relationship is not natural-its DIVINE"

I loved that because its true, its not in our nature to be in an equal relationship with the opposite sex (just look at the animal kingdom!) however it is a Godly thing. And isnt that what most Godly things do? They make us go against our natural man. I thought it was a very good insight!